for the truth if it’s blog

I need some one just to listen. I have to get these thoughts out.

forthetruthofit@gmail.com

thanks.

so, last night Regan was over with several other people.  The run down of signifcant moments:

Laying on the floor, I was strattled by Regan after Vic suggested that I was waiting for him (Regan).  After about a minute, he groped my chest and got up.

Hint after hint after hint about that night.  Seriously.

He told me that I would go down on him.  I agreed and then said no.

We hugged, he said we needed to stop before he "got a boner," put his hand where the zipper of my pants start, cupped my chest again and walked away.

And that was how to night ended.

Where do I go from here?  Any suggestions?  Please?

I truly don't know what to think anymore.  I know that I always see things the way that I would like to see them.  Regan recorded a song and sent it to me for my opinion.  Coincidentally, its the song I, in the past, always asked him to play for me.  I say coincidentally, and I pray for the coincidence.  Its so much easier when I can believe that he doesn't even think about me.  And I was doing so well with not thinking about him. 

I remember the day I realised that I was completely and utterly infatuated with him.

Our conversation is as follows:

me: I can't concentrate on my work.  My stomach is in one big knot.

R:  why?

i thank you for pouring yourself out to me like that.
are you nervous?

me: I feel like I'm anticipating something big. . . . but what, I don't know.

R: big and bad? or good?

also- question-
have you ever had a day where just seeing vic's face or hearing his voice pissed you off for no reason?
i have one of those days today.

and i think sometimes i think too much about what it would be like to date someone else.

me: 

He doesn't care, doesn't even give me a thought.  So I need to stop caring, stop giving him my every thought.

Adam:  Issac's younger brother.  I wento highschool with him.  I also thought I was in love with him.

Issac:  Vic's best friend.  My somewhat best friend.

Lacy:  Regan's girlfriend.

Regan:  The 17 year old boy I think that I am in love with.

Vic:  My husband that I love, but am only sometimes not in love with.

Lua:  A friend who changed, but stayed the same for me.

I started this blog to get a little relief.  I can't tell any of my friends or family about this, so at least writing it all down would get it out.  But I need human interaction!  I need conversations, revelations, observations.  I'm going somewhat crazy again. 

I had a dream that Vic sent me a letter, finally admitting that he is in love with me.

I was thoroughly dissapointed when I woke.

I did not want things to be akward with Regan and I.  However, I don't know how comfortable I am with joking about that night.

and the jokes are as follows:

(in the local music store)

regan holding a jumbo guitar

vic:  bro, you got some large wood.

regan:  yeah, no one's quite as big as me. 

regan (to me as vic walks ahead of us):  well, you'd know, huh?

me:  i'm really a man.

regan:  please, you both have seen you naked.

regan (pointing his finger, then pointing to my lips):  i dare you. . . .

me:  do you want me to come over tomorrow night and help you?
regan: sure.  or we could do it all night long.  or play 20 questions.  we suck at that.

(as a side note, the night with regan, we started by playing 20 questions, which was such a pretense, which eventually led to the iniquitous game of truth-or-dare).

And, being 17, he made childish grabs at me all night.  When a person would normally playfully slap someone for a well placed, no harm meant tease, Regan would cop a feel.  I, of course, made no attempt to keep from bushing across him any chance I got.   I kept no part of me out of contact with any part of him on any kind of purpose.

He laid on his bed (Vic and I were at his house) next to where I was sitting and pulled his shirt up so that I could see his hips and the top of his knickers.  I commented "I can see your undies" and he pulled both his pants and knickers down to point where I got flushed.  It stuns me that this happens literally behind Vic's back.  My poor little Vic.  How I do love him and hate myself for thinking about having a lovely pash with Regan.  I consider the fact that I could live my life completely happy and blissful without ever seeing Regan again, and sometimes beg Vic to move back to Edinburg with me.  But last night I was thinking about it and felt one more crack go through my heart when I thought about passing by Regan, and passing by the chance to let my life have a little more love, a little more passion, a new affection, a foreign intensity.

How, how I do love Vic.  And I vowed to love him and be faithful for the rest of my life.  I want to do that; I desire it deep within me.  If only I could ignore this damn flesh!

(my heart tells me that moving home to edinburg would end my love affair with regan.  as if that would ever work, though.  i would find a new infatuation and this would start all over again.  it is much deeper than geography)

To recap:

                              Sorry we didn't go back to the party last night.  I don't know if I'm going to be home tonight, but if I am, I'll give you a call.

I get:

                                alright.

my then response:

                              How was the rest of the party?

I get:

                            not too bad, nothing really amazing happened.
my mind was on other things.

I reply:

I'm going to be in sumner tonight.  Do you want to see me?

I get:

nothing yet.  I sit and wait as usual.  I'm so tired of this because I know that it is completely one-sided.  Its so thrilling when you know that the other person is waiting deliriously on the other side of the world from you.  But it is just me in this desperate state of being. 

Its always easier when he didn't want me.

I went to the party.  Regan was already there.  He pretended I wasn't.  I think that's in part because I was with Issac.  Regardless.  There were about ten seventeen and eighteen year old boys there and I was shocked at how generic they were to me.  I honestly would never remember there names if you told me twenty times.  They were generic and so far away from where I am.  But Regan.  He stood out as always.  I felt our connection.  It stabbed me in the stomach.  He was melancholy, but pretending to be generic.  It never fooled me. 

After about a half-hour I made the attempt.  He was standing alone, in his bathing suit, and I said hi, asked what was wrong.  He shrugged, said "oh you know, girls."  And walked away.  He turned around to look at me and I gave him the thumbs-up. 

An hour later all of these boys decided to do god knows what, but it involved getting in cars and driving away.  Upon which, Issac, Vic and I decided it was beyond our time to go.  Walking out to my car, Regan called me over, hanging out the window of a car packed with six generics, and asked where I was going.  I, ever so calmly and detached told him I was going home.  He then broke my heart.

He told me he needed to talk to me, reached his hand out and we entwined our fingers for a second.  Maybe he's just way smarter than me.  Why won't he let me be?

Last night I wanted to call him, I thought about waking up in the middle of the night and doing such, and I did wake up, but didn't call him.  So then I decided to call him on my lunch break, but I'm not doing that either. So I sent an email. And of course, I went back and forth between desperate and detached.  Here, read on.

Dear Regan,

The truth of the matter is that it is as we suspected.  I am totally and whole-heartedly in love with you.  I've been pretending otherwise because I did not want my heart broken when I found out that all of the possible outcomes of our interactions would go in the complete oposite direction of what I have been planning on.  You tell me you're having girl trouble, I imagine you are in love with me.  But really, you like some sixteen year old who is simply sixteen.  You tell me you need to talk to me, I imagine that you want to tell me you can't stop thinking about me, when really I'm the last thing on your mind.  Well, I am in love.  Do with it as you will.  We can't play games any longer now that I am completely out and completely naked.  There's only moving on from here.  Please be in love with me too.

Love,

Naan.

or

Hey,

Sorry we didn't go back to the party.  I'll call you tonight if I'm home.

Well, we all know which one I sent. 

Good news:  I saw Adam when we were dropping Issac off.  I looking completely into his eyes and felt nothing but immense love for a friend.  It was encouraging, as less than a year ago, I thought I was in love with him.